Wednesday, 12 September 2007


i don't feel much better to be honest. every day is just a blur. i did start to think maybe it will get better. you were fine before him, so course your be fine without him. i'm not. he's the first thing i think of wen i wake, every second of every moment that i'm awake i can feel myself yernin for him. he's the only thing i think about. i've hardly eaten as i don't feel hungry. i just feel numb and this weird feelin. it's like when you get butterflies, but this is horrid, and won't go away. i feel like my heart is beatin a thousand times faster and i feel sick. when i think of ben the feelin gets worse, i feel like i'm gonna vomit. this ain't normal. this ain't gonna go away. i don't know what to do. if anything it's gettin worse by the day as i'm becoming more and more aware that this is really happenin. that i have really lost him. that this isn't some joke or misunderstandin. i nearly cried at work just because i couldn't text him. how sad is that. i feel like my soul has been ripped through my heart and i don't want to continue if this is how it is gonna feel.

i never thought i would ever fall in love or find someone i could grow to love. i'm too awkward and selfish, also quite crazy and hard to deal with if you don't understand me. i get bored of blokes extremely quickly. ben was different. for starters i didn't jump head first in to things. i felt myself round him which rarely happens for me with anyone, and i wasn't afraid to be myself around him. i've never felt a connection to someone like i did to ben. i never got bored of him. i never could. now i've lost him. i will never find anyone else like him. i know myself too well. i have found and lost the one person who makes me happy.

i'm gonna go sew and watch a film i think. to keep myself busy i have put myself down for ridiculous shifts. 9.30am til 11pm 2moro. gonna be fun!!!! least i'm gonna be gettin drunk afterwards. who knows. maybe i'll bump in to ben and he'l realise hes made the biggest mistake.

i can only hope...

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