.g.a.y.b.e.n.

yup im still gonna quit my job. i decided 2day that it is the right step forwards. i need a new fresh out look on life and workin there will not help me at all. i want to go snow boardin in december too so incentive to actually get a job. that's good. helen's goin to come over later so we will be knittin away. i want a hamster. watchin diagnosis murder. grandee!!

i need a job please

I AM QUITTIN MY JOB. i can't stand bein treated like shit anymore. for nearly a year i have worked my ass off and been treated like scum. no more. see how they manage without me. someone pay me to do something. please.

ou i have done the body of my knitted babe and one arm. rock and roll....

very tired

as i was gettin a taxi back from town earlier i noticed how beautiful the moon was. the sky was all cloudy, but the light reflected off the moon on to them. it was overwhelmin. made me think.

okay. so maybe i'm a lil bit tipsy, but i'm allowed to be. helen and me went for a few drinks at the taproom. was good. i was obviously on my usual and hel was on hers. i sat there knittin while we nattered. twat face turned up but thank lordy he took my advice and ignored me. it felt horrid not havin the contact with him that we use to have, but it's for the best. the best for me. my knittins gettin on well. i've made one back of the doll and have started the other body bit. so hopefully it will be nearer done soon. i'm really lookin forward to makin clothes for it. is that sad. ges... i don't care. this is keepin me goin, givin me something to do. i'm thankful for my drunken internet buyin. i wouldn't have the knitted babes book otherwise. hehe.

ben looked gud btw :(

Leben saugt

Ich verpasse Benjamin mehr als ich je könnte mich vorstellen. Ich habe das ein gutes Ding verloren, das je zu mir geschehen ist. Ich habe meinen besten Freund, meine Liebe, meinen soulmate und meinen Benny verloren. Meine Welt ist stumpf, flach und grau geworden, und er sorgt sich auch nicht, wie dies mich beeinflusst. Ich bin gebrochen.

1 step 4wards, 97 back

had a bit of a weird day. feel really exhausted. think it's cos i've worked loads over the last few weeks. only one person to blame for that, and i don't mean myself. 2day jus felt like such an effort. all i could think about was ben. claire brought it on. las nite she asked if we were back together yet, as if it was goin to happen. it's jus so hard tryin to carry on everyday like normal, but without him. i nearly cried in the kitchen at work. i jus feel so alone. i've lost the most important person in my life and i have no solid reason to why. i'm bein good. i haven't had any contact with him since weds mornin. nearly a week ago. it's killin me. i wish this starts to get easier soon cos i can't keep goin like this. i'm not sleepin too grandee at the moment and workin loads. i jus don't think i'm ever goin to get over this. he was my life. how sad is that.

so after my extremely dire shift at work, hel came round mine and we watched big. old skool! got it in woollies cheapo. she cross stitched (which i never knew she did) and i still attempted my knittin. i'm pretty mucho out of wool now so we are goin shop shop 2moro to buy some for our dollies.

i'm goin to make a ben doll. could i get any sadder? i still have a picture of us as my background on my puter. i can't bare to delete. it would be like choppin off one of my arms. please let me wake up and this is all a horrid dream...

knitty knit knit

my lordy. i am shattered.

feel like all i've done in the las 48 hrs is work. worked las nite, worked 2day and 2nite. workin 2moro. when am i goin to sleep? should really go to bed now, but i'm too awake and starvin. that's the one thing that sucks about workin lates, never get a good meal. like 2moro, i will have to re-heat the sunday roast that my family are havin. never tastes nice. can always eat at work, but there's only so many toasties/cheesy chips/etc... that you can eat without feelin complete shit. they don't even do veggie grub really, so i can't have one of the main meals and i don't care much for jacks. so it's poop.

started a bit of knittin. makin my mates start knittin with me. we're goin to do the knitted babes as i now have the book. will keep us quiet for a while and gives us at least one nite a week when we're not out drunk. lol. i really have forgotten how to knit though. thought i would start on a little cardi so i could get back in the swing. plus i have a feelin hel and nat won't have a clue what they're doin and i will have to teach. i don't know where all my needles have gone. i had loads at uni. i can only find some massive chunky ones and a wired pair. so i'm attemptin the wired pair, but i seriously have to buy some. i only have one ball of quite thick wool too. so i ain't that prepared hehe. oh well. it will sort itself out at some point.

i'm goin to eat ritz crackers and finish watchin the 3 amigos. i love that film! klassiker (btw.. still ain't heard from the twat)

pretty shoes

not done mucho 2day. been docs. fun. went out for lunch with me mam and bought some leggins to wear out later. my new shoes came 2day. they are more beautiful than i could have imagined. they are my new 'fuck you ben' shoes. hehe.

i really hope i don't mess these ones up. my poor poor ugg boots got the brunt of my drunken walkin home on tuesday. covered in grass. i do like to waste dosh. not that i go out of my way to do it.

my sewins gone a bit poo. well, it hasn't gone anything really, but i've done my usual thing and not finished it in time for a competition i was meant to be enterin it in. so sod it. i'm still goin to finish it. it's not like i would have won. lol. this is it so far...

twat

jus been at work. meant to be sewin. need t' finish the piece tonight really, so i may have to make myself turn the puter off!! i know. crazy! lol. got to natter to danielle at work which was grandee as i haven't seen her for a few weeks. have missed her.

ben hasn't contacted me. i know he hasn't got cred, so i shouldn't really be that surprised. i gave him one last chance. emailed him exactly what i was feelin/thinkin, then txt him sayin read it. that this was the last txt i was sendin him and the balls in his court, but i'm not waitin around for him. hopefully it will make him think. i know i sound like a right stalker, but i know for a fact he likes me, wants to be with me still. he's jus bein a cock to protect himself cos he's too scared to open up in case he gets hurt. he had the balls to have a go at me las nite for flirtin with a bloke i work with las friday when i was out. firstly, i weren't flirtin with paul, i jus get on with him so we have a laff. secondly, BEN DUMPED ME. he has no right in gettin jealous. i'm single thanks to him. i dunno. i suppose he's jus a typical twatty man. can't commit to me, but doesn't want me to commit to anyone else. i can't win. i'm still stickin up for him, only reason for that i'm guessin is cos i love him. i know he's trouble, i know he's bad for me, but when it's gud, it's brilliant. mate fran at work told me to stop drinkin and leave ben, he's no where near gud enough for me. i somehow feel that i'm not gud enough for ben.

so yeah, i'm goin cold turkey. forcin myself to have no contact with him. maybe he'l realise he might actually lose me so will stop pissin around. who knows. i know what i want, but i've lost my say. sounds silly, but my future is in his hands.

bloody ben

jus had the longest bath. i look like a prune hehe.

went out for some drinks with some mates. an anti-ben nite is jus what i needed, not what i got though

:(

he bloody turned up. had the cheek to sit with us then argue and be rude to my mates. they really weren't impressed. nor was i to tell the truth. i don't know what to do now. have deleted his number. cut contact as i think that may be the only way to come out of this alive. i'm scarin too many peeps with my 'copin'. cold turkey is prob the best option. not my winehousin it.

ordered a new pair of shoes. least i can look forward to them. they are truly beautiful. they may infact be the prettiest shoes in the entire worldipoo. hehe.

doin my sewin still. muddlin through that slowly. have my next bit of fabric background all ready. a dirty old tea-towel from work, but it has real character. i am drawn to it. i love the wornness and ripped holes.

think i may become a tea-towel thief lol

i can't live without my benny

i've tried to sleep, but i can't stop cryin. all i can think about is ben. why is this so hard. why couldn't he just tell me he didn't like me anymore instead of tellin me he still does. it's even worse than before now, because now i have hope. i can't cope with this. the waitin is horrid. the waitin for him to decide if he wants me. he wants space to sort his head out, but what about mine. can't we be together while he still sorts his. mine is gettin real fecked up now. i miss him so much. i love him so much. i can't imagine my life without him in it. i know it sounds pathetic, but when i met him it felt like i was whole for once, that woteva it was that was missin from my life was finally there. i can't bare the thought of losin him, not havin him with me. i hate feelin like this. it feels like someone has ripped part of me from myself. i cant describe how painful this is. i'm still bein sick when i think of him. i really can't except what has been happenin. i would rather die than continue goin through this. he is my life, nothin makes sense without him, nothin is worth anything. how can i survive without him.

if this doesn't get better soon. i won't.

poo day

i'm havin a real 'missin ben' day. i can't think of anything but him. not a happy day :(

im watchin csi

my new shoes cut my ankle :( doesn't mean i'm gonna stop wearin them tho. they are too pretty to avoid hehe. went out last nite after work. again. lol. think im out 2nite too. done a hell of a lot of drinkin recently. don't think its been the healthiest choice but oh well. least i'm copin a bit better. have had a talk with ben. feel like a weight has been lifted, but i'm still not happy at all. i'm still without him, but i did what he wanted. gave him some space. he did spend last nite lookin at me. all i wanted to do was talk to him, but thankfully i have great mates who wouldn't let me. i'm just hopin he will come around soon. the sooner the better. then we can go back to bein how we were. the silly poo face.

i'm feelin more able to continue with my sewin now. got to work in a few hours, have done 50hrs this week. if it weren't for the alcohol, i don't think i would be copin lol. i'm goin to do a little bit of hand stitch now and take it with me to work. hopefully it will be pretty quiet so i can sew away.

beer fest

on a break in between me shifts. so 45mins to get my clobber packed for later, my hair done and slap on (enough to go out with, but not so much that i look like a hooker). it's the beer festival so will be lots of old fat men gettin pissed. oh the joys. heard a romour that i'm meant to of thrown a glass at ben last tues. i didn't by the way. lol. though now it sounds like quite a gud idea hehe. maybe later if i bump in to him. god i hope i see him. i just want him to realise what a mistake he's made. the twat.

SNOOZERS ARE LOSERS

i don't feel much better to be honest. every day is just a blur. i did start to think maybe it will get better. you were fine before him, so course your be fine without him. i'm not. he's the first thing i think of wen i wake, every second of every moment that i'm awake i can feel myself yernin for him. he's the only thing i think about. i've hardly eaten as i don't feel hungry. i just feel numb and this weird feelin. it's like when you get butterflies, but this is horrid, and won't go away. i feel like my heart is beatin a thousand times faster and i feel sick. when i think of ben the feelin gets worse, i feel like i'm gonna vomit. this ain't normal. this ain't gonna go away. i don't know what to do. if anything it's gettin worse by the day as i'm becoming more and more aware that this is really happenin. that i have really lost him. that this isn't some joke or misunderstandin. i nearly cried at work just because i couldn't text him. how sad is that. i feel like my soul has been ripped through my heart and i don't want to continue if this is how it is gonna feel.

i never thought i would ever fall in love or find someone i could grow to love. i'm too awkward and selfish, also quite crazy and hard to deal with if you don't understand me. i get bored of blokes extremely quickly. ben was different. for starters i didn't jump head first in to things. i felt myself round him which rarely happens for me with anyone, and i wasn't afraid to be myself around him. i've never felt a connection to someone like i did to ben. i never got bored of him. i never could. now i've lost him. i will never find anyone else like him. i know myself too well. i have found and lost the one person who makes me happy.

i'm gonna go sew and watch a film i think. to keep myself busy i have put myself down for ridiculous shifts. 9.30am til 11pm 2moro. gonna be fun!!!! least i'm gonna be gettin drunk afterwards. who knows. maybe i'll bump in to ben and he'l realise hes made the biggest mistake.

i can only hope...

: (

well i lied when i said it was gettin better. i feel utter shit. i feel sick. i can't stop cryin. i feel like my whole life has caved in. all i want to do is scream. i want him back. i dont think i can cope without him. it hurts too much. i can't see any other way, i can't see a way forward. i can't live like this. i don't want to live if i'm not with him. why would he do this. why? how could he change in just a matter of days. i don't understand. i don't want to have to understand. i just want him back with me.

my name's becca & i'm an alcofrolic

omg.. once again i went out. think i've been out every nite this week. i think i mite be gettin a problem, again. lol. mate mark was over still, and we went out with a load of people i know from workipoos. was a really gud nite. didn't bump in to ben, so no dog jumpin. thank lordy. my fone battery died which i think was a gud thing as i had txts from him when i got home. i don't understand what he wants. he dumps me, then doesn't leave me alone. how am i meant to move on and forget him, if he's still hangin around. this is when i wish i had done my pgce this yr and not decided to bum for another yr. oh well. las nite was easier than the past few nites. though i do still miss him like hell. the bastard. better peel some spuds before work. fun times!

gutted

could things have got any more worse than tues.. well when alcoholic beverages are involved the answer is always YES!! lol. i decided that as thursday was my day off work i would ditch my sewin (i did very little) and drink, drink and drink some more (i did a hell of a lot of drinkin). i was what us alcys like to call, fucked. went wit chris to play pool (he played i didn't, i really couldnt see or walk) then we went to lounge for a 'few' more jars. i did the usual mistake - snake bite black.

bumped in to ben. well i wouldn't say bumped. i saw him coming out to the garden as we were going in. i did what every dumpee would have done in my situation. i avoided all eye contact and stepped over a dog to freedom. yes there was a dog blocking my exit. could only happen to me. i then sent drunken txt messages i really shouldn't have. pretty sure they were mainly full of hatred. oh well. what else would he expect.

day 3 since bein ditched - not any easier. doesn't help that i keep bumpin in to him. the complete and utter bastard! (see, i'm not bitter haha)

im gonna relax, mate marks over for the wkend, so it will be him, me, town, drunk... woop!!

Ben is a Tosser

Well i've had a weird, slightly cack 2 days. Went to the docs. Basically lied to them. I know i shouldn't have but i didnt feel safe there. Will tell my normal doc that when i see her & prob get very shouted at. Oh well.

Managed to get out of work & go to my mates leavin drinks. Got really wasted tho. Even before i met Chris & we made it to the drinks. Jus generally had a poop day. Ben had finally decided to get in contact with me & said he needed to talk to me so kinda knew it weren't gonna be gud. So yeah, when i finished work i decided neckin a bottle of voddy was my only choice. Luckily hanky warned me Ben was out. I was off my rocker enough to not care. Drank loads more out. Then got to the stage when i couldn't stop cryin. As you do. Spent all day 2day in bed bein sick, was truly horrid. Then had to work this eve. I really don't know what i've done. It went from bein great to shit jus like that. So i'm single once more. The only thing that could cheer me up at this moment is Ben trippin up & knockin his teeth out. That would be loverly to see. Painful & embarrassin. Would make me feel a bit better at least.

What else has really pissed me off is that my fone won't recharge. To top it off, my batteries died. Could things go any worse? Gonna have to watch some tele & sew i think. If something happens to my sewin i will scream!!!!

Molder

I'm watchin X Files. Woop. Wot a classic. I should really be asleep.

Hoopla

Embroidery hoops!! Does anyone else seem to continually buy embroidery hoops but never seem to find one when you need one. I must have like 20 hoops, but only know the whereabouts of two. The one i'm using - which is quite small in diameter and another which is even smaller and does not fit under the needle on my sewing machine so i see it as useless. It is quite annoyin.

I'm hand stitchin watchin scrubs. Well for the next 45mins i am. Then i'm off t' work. Fun fun fun. Only 4 hrs tho. So alls gud. Final of Britain's nxt top model on 2nite. Will be watchin that. Woop!!

Sleepy Time

Well i txt benny. He didn't reply. Well, i lie. He did. At like 2am, after i sent another txt askin if he was ever gonna reply. I can slowly see myself becomin a stalker/crazy/obsessive girlfriend. SO i'm gonna stand back for a bit. Wait for him. I don't like the person i'm becomin. I blame ben lol.

Didn't do my sewin in the end. I fell asleep on the sofa. Then had my bro ringin me at god knows wot hour drunk. So i ignored him (i'm a loverly sis) and put my fone on silence. He then rang my sis as i heard her fone goin and she did the same as me. We don't like bein woken up. He should know that hehe.